Episode 20

The Four Agreements, Part 2: The Joy Of Realizing It’s Not All About You

In today’s podcast, I share with you a mantra I wish I had mastered years ago… and am still working towards! It’s the second in a four-part episode series based on Don Miguel Ruiz’s book, “The Four Agreements.”

What you will discover

  • Why caring about what other people think of you is a form of selfishness.
  • How to find a sacred space space within yourself.
  • The reason we look outwards for relief from emotional suffering.

Enjoy the Show

Transcript

Hey there and welcome to another week of tranquility talk. And the topic this week is the joy of realizing it’s not all about you. I love coming up with these fun titles, and this is part two.

In the four agreements, the book by Miguel Ruiz. And we’re going to be diving into the second agreement today. And this is a biggie. This is a biggie. This is one that I have really struggled with in many ways in my life. And you might relate as well.

If you didn’t listen to the first part, one of the series, I’m doing a four part series based off of Don Miguel Ruiz has his book called the four agreements. If you didn’t listen to that episode, I highly recommend going back. I think it’s two episodes ago and it’s called finding heaven on earth part one of the four agreements, because it will make more sense today.

So the last agreement was being impeccable with your word. And if you listened to that episode, you will hear that, um, you know, what I share and being impeccable with your word is just in the words that we use in the words, in the agreement that we make with ourselves, it’s not blowing ourselves off. It’s not gossiping about other people does the power of our word is so profound. And I just, I absolutely love this book. And that’s why I’ve decided to do four podcast episodes on it, because there’s just so much in there. And it’s a small book. It’s an easy read. It’s such an easy read. In fact, um, you know, I was reading an article on Tom Brady and he reads it every year. It’s like the mantra for his life. And just so much every, every single line is like a valuable information.

So today we’re going to jump into the second agreement part two, which is, are you ready for it? Don’t take anything personally. Don’t take anything personally. And that is so difficult. See, it’s never about you. It’s never about you. And you know, these three subsequent agreements, the first agreement, like I said, was being impeccable with your word. And he talks about in the book that if you master that first agreement, these other three agreements tend to flow with more ease. So it’s never about you. There’s a quote at the beginning of the book, personal importance, that’s his way of describing, taking things personally. So personal importance or taking things personally is the maximum expression of selfishness because we make the assumption that everything is about me. Whoa, when I read that, I thought, wow, gosh, I must have a lot, a lot of personal importance because you know, looking back on my life, I do take things personally.
And if you’re listening to this podcast and you’re one of the highly sensitive people, I talk about highly empathic, where, you know, things tend to wound you easily. This agreement is for you. So you can just release responsibility for what other people do, the choices they make, the words that they use, the things that they say to you, the situations that they find themselves in, you might be one of these people who tries to fix everything. Who’s a people pleaser, no step away from it. Mr. Rue, as Don Miguel, he would say, don’t take anything personally, stay in your own lane. Right? And you know, what other people do is really none of our business, because what other people do is because of them and their experience, we all have a vision that we see, you know, that we see the world through. We, we all have our personal lens that we see the world through.
And if we don’t take things personally, we just kind of stay in our own lane and we let other people do their thing. And we focus on ourselves and we just mind your own business. So, you know, in the book he talks about, you know, don’t make other people’s poison yours. And I just thought that was interesting. He talks about, you know, sometimes the poison that people can throw at you in terms of criticism or judgment, and he refers to that as poison. And that has really resonated with me when I, when you think about it, I mean, really think about that when someone is cruel or gossips about you or, you know, gives their opinion to you in kind of a negative way, that’s just about them. And what’s the old saying. Sometimes the most difficult people to deal with are the ones that need the most love, because they’re filled with what they’re projecting out to the world and to you.

And he talks about it’s this poison that they’re, that they’re putting that they’re putting on you. Um, and then he talks about further when it’s about, when you make things about you, you then defend yourself and you try to be right and in out of this need to be right. We, we create our own in his words, our own hell on earth. So part one, I talked about, you know, creating heaven on earth and he talks about in the second agreement, when you make it about you all the time, when you create this personal importance that everything, you know, hinges on you, that you just kind of create this hell because you get caught in conflict a lot. And you know, whether it’s politics, whether it’s, what’s going on in the world now with just with everything, you know, when we defend ourselves against someone else we’re trying to be right.
And when we try to be right, you know, what happens oftentimes is just the sense of conflict. So I just thought that that was really interesting. So I’m going to read you, um, I’m going to read you parts of my favorite parts of this part of the book. Um, nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves, all people live in their own dream. In their own mind. They are in a completely different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world. And we try to impose our world called on their world.
Interesting. So, you know, w w this isn’t about making anyone wrong, or right. It’s really like, we’re all existing in our own little energy field, bobbing around life. And what he’s saying is very simplistic to stay in your own business, work on you, right? When you do, that’s, when things tend to flow more easily, when you have more joy, more contentment in your life. And, you know, he goes on to talk about the poison that we, you know, he calls it emotional garbage, and he writes this, you eat all of their emotional garbage, and now it becomes your garbage. But if you don’t take it personally, you are immune in the middle of hell. Immunity to poison in the middle of hell is the gift of this agreement. So does being immune to all of other people’s quote unquote stuff is really the gift of not taking anything personally.
So I love that, you know, this week in my, um, in my 30 day reset for, in my live more drink, less community, we have these weekly workshops, and we’re going to talk about this, you know, this idea of finding your own safe space, finding that part of you, that you can access, even though all this other stuff is going on in the world, even though, you know, there might be drama or chaos with the people you love, you can always access the certain part of you. And when you cultivate contentment, when you cultivate that part of yourself within yourself, through making choices that you know are healthy and good for you physically, emotionally, spiritually, when you’re able to do that, you’re much more, I guess you could say, inclined to hang out in your own business. You know, when I was going through my divorce, um, you know, I was just miserable, actually, let’s back it up in my marriage.
I’ll just be vulnerable here. I, yeah, I was kinda miserable and I didn’t have that space within myself that I had cultivated. That was a really great place to hang out because I was not happy with what I had cultivated. I found myself just kind of in a little bit of a mess. And so what did I do? I was taking everything personally. I was looking outward. I was looking outward for, you know, what other people were doing wrong, how everyone else was screwed up. You know, that gave me relief from my own pain that I didn’t want to deal with. And when we face ourselves in the mirror, when we tell the truth to ourselves about what is, and isn’t working in our life, that’s when we’re able to start growing and cultivating this sense of contentment within ourselves. And when we have that, when we make the tough choices and when we do the work to get to the place where, huh, I’m kinda cool with myself, I’m okay, hanging out with myself here.
I don’t need to jump over into this circus or that circus. When we get to that place, that’s a really great place to hang out in. And we aren’t pulled into all this other areas. So ACU is, if you’re, if you are experiencing dis discontent in your life, if you’re unhappy where you’re at, if you have a lot of conflict in your life, just try experimenting with just stopping all outward projection out, all outward, looking into other people’s stuff, into, you know, people who are draining you and to people who need to get their act together until you can’t believe this person did that. Or why is this person doing this to me? Just shut that off and come within and tell yourself the truth. And then once you tell yourself the truth, that’s when the fun begins, that’s when you can do something different.
So he goes on to talk about, you know, he even says, I don’t take anything personally. Even when someone tells me I’m a wonderful person, I don’t take it personally. And I’m thinking, Miguel, how could you not take that personally? Like who doesn’t want to hear that? His point is, is that his happiness, his contentment does not hinge on other people’s opinions of him. He doesn’t need that validation at all. And so, you know, we all look at life in different ways. And when we quit fighting against the grain, when we keep stop, I’m sorry, when we stop fighting against the grain and just stay in our own lane, Hey, that rhymes stop fighting against the grain and stay in your own lane, because it’s a waste of time, right? To fight against the grain. Then we’re able to just experience more, more joy. I have a former colleague of mine that I worked with years ago, who just was experiencing a lot of turmoil at work.
And she just kept trying, and there was conflict and fighting and everything, you know, that happened. She took personally and rightfully so, right, because we’re all sensitive beings, things hurt, words hurt. And yet it really wore her down. And she finally got to a place where she’s like, well, wait a minute. What do I want? I’m so worried about how other people’s emotions, choices, moods, decisions, how they treat me. I’m so worried about all of that, that I’ve totally lost sight of myself and what I want. And when she realized that everything Schiff, it totally shifted.
So,
You know, I love this idea of not caring about what other people think of us as this immunity, this immunity to the poison. So if we want to be immune to the chaos, the drama, the gossip, whatever, the judgment, the criticism, anything that people throw at us, if we want to be immune to that, we must stay in our business. We must, you know, he goes on to, there’s just so many nuggets in this chapter. I love this part. Let’s talk a little bit about this. I did a workshop recently, again, in my 30 day reset program with my group, we did a workshop on this idea of being the director, being the producer, being the writer of your own life. And I just had to giggle when I read this in his book, and I’m going to share this with you. You create an entire picture or movie in your mind.
And in that picture, you are the director. You are the producer. You are the main actor or actress. Everyone else is a secondary actor or actress. It is your movie. The way you see that movie is according to the agreements you have made with life. Your point of view is something personal to you. It is no one’s truth, but yours. Then if you get mad at me, I know you’re dealing with yourself. I am the excuse for you to get mad. And you get mad because you are afraid because you are dealing with fear. If you are not afraid, there is no way you will get mad at me. If you are not afraid, there is no way you will hate me. If you are not afraid, there is no way you will be jealous or sad. If you live without fear, if you love, there was no place for any of these emotions.
If you don’t feel any of these emotions, it is logical that you will feel good when you feel good. Everything around you is good. When everything around you is great, everything makes you happy. You are loving everything that is around you, because you are loving yourself because you like the way you are, because you are content with you because you are happy with your life. You were happy with the movie that you are producing, happy with your agreements with life. You are at peace and you are happy. You live in that state of bliss, where everything is so wonderful and everything is so beautiful in that state of bliss, you are making love all the time with everything that you perceive. Wow. So I just, you know, when I read this, I thought, okay, this sounds like Nirvana. And you might be thinking the same thing as I read that part to you like, okay, Meg, like everything is not sunshine and daisies and roses.
I get it. I get it. If that’s what you’re thinking. And yet can’t, we just experiment with this. How often do we get pulled off of our center? Because we’re worried about other people in what they’re thinking of us. And I love what he talks about on, you know, writing this agreement down, putting it on your refrigerator, or putting it on your bathroom mirror and just reminding yourself to don’t take anything personally. And I don’t know about you, and I’d love to hear your comments, but for me, this is a tough one, because if someone’s rude to you, how do you not take that personally? But what he’s saying is step away from it. Step outside, look with curiosity and look at the situation for what it is. It’s someone else dealing with their stuff. They’re simply projecting their stuff. Or in his words, he calls it their emotional, garbage, their poison onto you.
And Hey, guess what? We do it to other people as well. Think about the times when you know, you, you point the finger and you blame other people. And it’s really just a projection of your own frustration. I know in my life, whenever I get triggered and I get snippy with someone or impatient, it’s never about, you know, it’s never about what it, you know, what I’m complaining about. It’s, it’s about something deeper in myself. I’m frustrated with something with myself, because you know, when, when you feel good with yourself, you’re not projecting your pain onto other people. And I love that. I think, you know, we need to think about what agreements have we made in our life, where you’re at right now in your life and where I’m at in mine as well. Right? All of us, we are here because of the agreements that we have made, the choices we have made, the actions we have taken,
Um, and nothing
In is ever perfect. Some of them may be, we would want to change, but isn’t the beauty in the learning, the learning from our past actions and our agreements. But today we have a choice. We have a choice to create new agreements. And obviously one of those agreements can be, don’t take anything personally. That’s a big agreement. And then think about what other little mini agreements can you make with yourself. Maybe it’s, I’m going to agree, make this agreement with myself to take my time versus rushing. I’m going to make the agreement to myself, to smile and think of something nice to say, versus gossiping or retaliating or arguing,
Maybe
An agreement would be something around how you’re going to change what you eat, what you drink, how you move your body. All of these are little mini agreements that we can make with ourselves. And I just, I absolutely love it because this is all about cultivating. Like I said earlier, cultivating, what makes your heart sing? So I have a question for you right now,
And
It goes like this. What do you really want right now in your life? What would make your heart sing?
What would be a deal breaker? What would be the most amazing thing that could happen to you right now? And it doesn’t have to be some big grandiose thing. What could it be? And when we focus our attention on that, we don’t have time to be worrying about what other people are thinking about us. We are focusing on these mini agreements, shifting these mini agreements with ourselves. And we don’t have time to take things personally, because we’re so happy with this space that we’ve created in our minds, our bodies, our souls, our spirits that we feel good about. And I think that’s when change really does occur when we remove the emphasis on just being so wounded by other people’s words or actions. And instead focusing that energy on what we can change within ourselves. I’m going to leave you with the last two paragraphs of Don Miguel’s book, the four agreements.
And you know, for the second agreement on chapter three, as you make a habit of not taking anything personally, you won’t need to place your trust in what others do or say. You will only need to trust yourself to make responsible choices. You are never responsible for the actions of others. You are only responsible for you when you truly understand this and refuse to take things personally, you can hardly be hurt by the careless comments or actions of others. If you keep this agreement, you can travel around the world with your heart completely open, and no one can hurt you. You can say, I love you without fear of being ridiculed or rejected. You can ask for what you need. You can say yes or you can say, no, whatever you choose without guilt or self judgment, you can choose to follow your heart. Always. Then you can be in the middle of hell and still experience inner peace and happiness.
You can stay in your state of bliss and hell will not affect you at all. So in this book, he refers to how I don’t really, it’s funny. I don’t use the concept of hell or the word help really ever. And it was interesting the way he looks at it. And in this book, you know, his idea, I, my interpretation is when he talks about how it’s just that chaos. So when he says you can stay in your state of bliss and hell will not affect you at all. Um, I take that to me and you can stay in this state of contentment of happiness
And just
The stuff of life is not going to affect you. Now, that’s a strong statement. You know, he’s saying you can stay in a state of bliss and that hell will not affect you at all. Now I love this and I would love to get to this state of bliss. And yet I do feel that I aim more for contentment because I don’t know if it’s possible to be in a state of bliss all the time. I’ll let you know. If I ever talked to Don, Miguel Ruiz says I’ve listened to him on different podcasts. And he seems pretty blissful. So the guy’s got, you know, he knows what he’s talking about. So if you’re feeling a little bit like this is so like, Oh my gosh, like, how can this even be achieved? Maybe what we can do together is we can just experiment this week with not taking anything personally and see how our bliss elevates, how our contentment increases, how the drama and the noise of life doesn’t have as much of an effect on us. How cool would that be?
So
There you go. There is part two. I’m super excited. I have a guest on for part three of the four agreements. I’m really excited to chat with her and to share her wisdom with you. And I’m not going to give it away. It’s a surprise guest, but I’m really excited. So have a wonderful week. Don’t take anything personally, cultivate your own contentment and I’ll see you soon. Bye-bye

Meg Daly

Welcome

Hi I’m Meg. I love helping empathic people who sometimes “feel too much” calm their head, hearts, and homes through my courses and books. Ultimately we all want to feel good in our bodies, relationships, and with the work we do in this world. When we remove the roadblocks that exist on the road to feeling the way we want to feel life tend to flow easier. 

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