23. Resisting the need to be so nice

Okay. So, as I mentioned, I just finished a book it’s called the courage to be disliked. And again, I just had to laugh when I opened up this Christmas present from my friend that, you know, she sent it to me and I just giggled and I texted her and I said, you know me so well. And she said, well, I’m reading it too. And it’s a wonderful book in the way it’s approached it’s on in. Forgive me if I’m mispronouncing this as Adlerian psychology, um, Adler, uh, psychology. And it, it merges with this type of, um, philosophy, the Greek philosophy. So it’s this, um, conversation between a young man and a philosopher, and they talk about this Adlerian, Adlerian psychology, and I’m sure I’m mispronouncing that. And you can let me know if I am. Um, but it’s this conversation between the two about things, like what is the secret to happiness?

What is freedom? What is this need to be liked? And what does that mean? And so I thought I would just in this week’s episode, share with you the highlights of what I just really enjoyed from this book. Now, the first thing that really stood out to me is what they described freedom. So what is freedom? What is freedom to you really think about that? As I asked that question, it’s one of those questions that can make you stop and think, I don’t know. Yeah. It’s like, it’s like the question of, well, what do you really want now? What do you really want for your life?

That one always stumps people, you know, what do you want? And so often we go through our life and it’s just, you know, just getting through the day and getting things done. And we forget like, wait, how do I want to feel? What do I really want out of life? And I woke up this morning and I thought, okay, it’s a fresh start. It’s a clean slate. Yesterday had its ups and downs today. It’s a fresh start. I was literally doing the laundry this morning. And I said that out loud. I’m like, okay, today is a fresh start. Let’s see what unfolds and let’s treat today like a gift as I was separating the whites and the darks. So anyway, so what is freedom to you?

And I’m going to tell you what they talk about in this book that just really rocked my world when I read it. So in this conversation between the young man and the philosopher, they discuss what freedom is and freedom, according to them is when not everyone likes you. Whoa. Oh my gosh. When I read that, I had to read that a few times, you know, you’re free when you look around and you realize, yeah, not everyone is fan of yours and not everyone likes you. So what, okay. Like what’s the reasoning behind that? The reasoning is, is that right? You have let go of the shackles of other people’s opinions, mattering. You have let go of the, um, the, the box that you put yourself in to try to please other people you have let go of, you know, polling people and asking them what you should do.

And, you know, getting validation from people for making choices, which frankly, deep down, you already know the answer to, you’re just seeking validation for. So they say, when you reach the point where not everyone likes you and you’re okay with that, that means you’re free. That means that you are truly living your life. Whoa, I think that’s fascinating. So think about it right now, if you know, so think about some choices that you’ve made in your life that maybe don’t make someone else happy. That means that you follow your instinct, you followed your intuition. You did what was right. Yeah. For you. I don’t know about you, but for a large part of my life, I was very worried about, well, you know, what does so-and-so think about this? Or am I doing the right thing? And I would just go back and forth and waffle.

And, and that is the opposite of freedom. That’s being encaged in this need to please this need to get it right. And when we’re free, we just go with what we feel is the right decision for us intuitively. So I found that fascinating. So freedom, freedom is, Oh, and when you look around and you realize that, you know, not everyone agrees with you, not everyone likes you. And you’re okay with that, that, so that was the big takeaway for me from this book. And maybe you can relate to that now, the second nugget that I absolutely loved, we’re always trying to find, you know, what’s, what’s the true meaning to happiness. How can we be happy now? And I loved this part. I loved this part, happiness, according to the philosopher, the young man, his contribution to other people. Now let’s break this down a bit.

So does contribution to other people, does happiness mean over-giving being in service in a way that drains your energy depletes? You know, now Contra contributing to other people is the key to happiness in a way that you are contributing to other people in the world by exhibiting and sharing your gifts every day. And I love that. I, um, I’m lucky enough to be part of a community up in Toronto, where they go in and they do these wonderful workshops with different, um, teams in the corporate world. And it’s based upon your personal values, which in essence are your gifts that you give the world. And when we talk about, well, how cool would it be to go to work one day? And all of a sudden, everyone had realized their gifts and they brought their gifts to work rather than the need to be, right?

The need to let everyone know that, you know, how hard they worked instead, everyone was just cool. They stayed in their lane, the ego was dropped and they just said, Hey, this is what I’m good at. And this is what I can give. This is what I’m not so great at. Hey, could you know, why don’t you fill in there? And so happiness is really when you are in a space where you are allowed and given the permission to contribute to other people and contribute, meaning, contribute, and give your gifts freely. So I ask you, what are your gifts? What are your gifts, perhaps they are, you know, some of your gifts are humor. Some of your gifts might be, you know, creating a sense of calm. You can go online and look up, uh, you know, does Google personal values, uh, adjectives to describe personal values.

And you’ll find a ton of different resources and lists of words that you can pick out and just pick out the ones that resonate with you. And, and those are your gifts. So for me, trust is a huge, um, I guess one of my personal values and how I define that as being in alignment with what I think say and do. And so that’s a huge, um, personal value for mine. And it’s a gift that I can give the world and the people who I work with. And so when you think about your personal gifts, that is your contribution to the world. What do other people like? What are you known for when people describe you? How do they describe you? What are the words they use to describe you? You can have fun with us actually, and you can email or reach out to some friends, colleagues, family, and say, Hey, what are three words that intuitively right away come to mind to describe me when you think of me and, and you might find a common thread, maybe it’s warm, happy, courageous, confident.

And so those are your gifts. And the more that you can cultivate those and bring those to life in your personal and professional relationships, the happier you’re going to be, it’s pretty cool. And so happiness is really not, you know, getting the promotion. It’s not, you know, getting the new house. It’s, it’s really identifying what are your gifts and how can I contribute them to the world? And then all those other goals seem to come with more ease, because at the end of the day, we, you know, happiness is feeling the way we want to feel. And don’t, you just feel good after a day where you have contributed to other people, you don’t feel good when you’ve like over given. And a lot of people I know that are listening to this podcast, tend to be highly sensitive people and pathic people, um, over givers who then get overwhelmed.

So, you know, at the end of the day, if you’re feeling depleted, you might want to check, okay, wait, where am I over-giving? But at the end of the day, if you’re feeling really good, like that was a great day. You can go, huh? What did I do today to create that feeling? Oh yeah. I contributed to my family, or I contributed to my work by, by showing up in this way, whether it be courageous, confident, funny, loving, grounded, whatever it may be. And so oftentimes what I like to do, and I know I’ve said this before, but I wake up in the morning and I say, what’s one word to describe how I want to feel today. And when I fall off of that feeling during the day, you can literally make a conscious decision in that moment to say, right now, I’m going to step into feeling loving, or right now I’m going to step into the energy of feeling patient.

It totally works. And when you get triggered, all you have to do is pause, just take a few breaths and go, I’m going to practice this. I’m going to experiment with this. And I’m going to step back into that gift of mine, that gift of warmth, that gift of patients, that gift of being loving and watch how it changes your reality. I do believe that we have the power to change our experience each day from not so great to, to, to happy to content, to, you know, at times joyful. So yeah. Freedom is found where you look around, not too many, you know, there are people that don’t agree with you, or maybe you don’t even like you and you’re okay with it. And happiness is when you’re contributing to other people. And so the book goes on to talk about this idea of contribution and finding happiness and feeling free.

And then it shifts into, well, how do we interact with other people? And one of the highlights was for me that we must approach relationships from the vantage point of you are my comrade. You are my friend. You are my team member versus you’re someone I’m competing with. You’re my adversary. You’re someone I have to be distrustful of. And it’s interesting in the book, the young man kind of argues with the philosopher. And so obviously the young man is us as the reader, listening to this type of psychology, this type of philosophy. And it’s like, and he, you know, saying, well, how can I trust everyone? People? You know, you, you have to, you know, not trust everyone because people will take advantage of you. And it was just a really, you’ll have to get the book of your, if you’re intrigued with this. But the philosopher basically was saying, no, you, you start by approaching everyone as a comrade.

Everyone is a friend because if people, people can sense in a moment, if you initially distrust them and then that kind of changes the trajectory. Instead, if you approach someone with an open heart, as a comrade, they are less likely to do things that would make you not trust them. I hope I’m making sense here. Um, but it’s a fabulous book and it really talks about the courage to be free, the courage to be disliked, the courage, to trust other people rather than distrust. And it’s really about courage. It’s about having confidence in ourselves being self-accepting of ourselves and in about contribution to other people. It’s a fabulous book and it really requires, um, dedication. I finished the book and I was presented with a situation even just yesterday, where I totally forgot to put in my learning from the book into a situation where I got triggered with someone.

And instead of approaching it from the vantage point of, wait a minute, this person is my comrade. I need to flush this out and not make assumptions. I approached it from, I have to, you know, put my guards up. I have to be distrustful. And it was really interesting, the fallout, and it wasn’t some big, huge thing, but it definitely was a damper to my day. And it did get resolved. And yet how many times do we go through our days where we’re either worried about what other people think of us. We’re not trusting people without really good reason. And we are hiding our gifts from the world. So again, this is a fabulous book and I highly recommend it. I’ll have the title of the book in the show notes. And I invite you and myself this week to really step into this idea of not worrying about what the rest of the world thinks about how you’re living your life.

This is your life at the end of the journey. Do you want to look back and say, I’m so glad that I made choices based upon what, you know, my friend or my family member wanted. No, you’re going to want to look back and say, I’m so happy that I lived my life. This is your life. And resisting the need to be liked so much is truly freedom. And it takes courage to do that. And then once you are okay with that, then you can be like, huh. Now how can I contribute to other people and not worrying again about what other people think you should do with your life in terms of work or, or, or your free time or anything. You are the guru of you. You have to figure out what makes me happy, what am I good at? And then go out and do it.

I just find this fascinating. And you know, this book coupled with the four agreements. And if you haven’t listened to that podcast, please, um, look back and, and I can’t even remember what numbers they are, but it was a four part series where I broke down each of the four agreements and Don Miguel Ruiz has his book. And it’s fascinating. You know, all of this stuff sounds so simple. And of course it resonates with you. Of course, we shouldn’t make assumptions. Of course we shouldn’t take things personally. Of course, we all always should do our best. Of course we shouldn’t care what other people think of us. Of course we should contribute to the world through our gifts. Like all of it resonates. I’m sure you know, it does for me. And I’m sure it does for you. It resonates at a deep core level.

And yet how often do we really do it? Think about that? How often do you choose not to take something personally? How often do you not make assumptions about other people or situations? How often do you not care? What other people think? Well, it, because if, and if you don’t do that a lot, it’s, it’s because it’s hard, it’s hard to disco. I’m just going to stay in my lane. It’s difficult to say, Oh, I don’t care what this person said about me. I’m just going to keep going with this decision because that’s what I feel I want to do. No, it’s difficult. And yet when we do these quote unquote simple things in theory that are simple and yet they’re difficult to execute. That’s where we, if we’re feeling stuck, we’ll see some movement. If we’re feeling kind of blah we’ll we’ll experience some contentment, we’ll, we’ll experience some happiness.

And isn’t that what it’s all about. I feel like these two books that I’ve read recently, they are a mechanism or actually their doorways into accessing that part of yourself that is safe and sound that part of yourself, that it doesn’t matter what’s going on in the world or other people’s lives that you always know that you have that safe place to access. I think so often for people that feel quote unquote too much, you know, if you feel a lot, it’s easy to get overwhelmed and you forget about that safe place within, because it’s too difficult to go in. And when I say go in, like, go into your mind, go into your spirit, your soul, because there’s too much going on in there. There’s too much conversation. And you know, the monkey mind. And then what happens is w you know, we default to other things like, you know, alcohol or food or social media, because we just want a break from feeling too much, frankly.

So these books are great. I highly recommend them the four. And again, for this week’s episode, you know, the courage to be disliked, I’m going to be jumping into a new book. So stay tuned for new learnings. And remember, we are the warriors. You know, I think everyone down here in human university in this world is here and we all have something to overcome in this life. And we all have gifts to give, and we all have a life to live that is unique to ourselves. And so whatever you are doing today, whatever you do for work, whatever situation you find yourself in know that you are unique, you are special, and that the world needs who you are. So we need you to shine. We need you to let go of any regret, guilt, shame, anything that’s holding you down and move forward and let the past go.

And I’m going to end with that. The last, most important part of the book and that they start about it in the, in the beginning is the past doesn’t matter. And that you have the opportunity to be happy. Now you have the opportunity to be happy. Now, today is a fresh start. If you’re listening to this in the evening, tomorrow is a fresh start. The past is gone. There’s nothing you can do about it. You have the ability to be happy now, and I will leave you with that as always, if you’re feeling overwhelmed and you want to take a look at your relationship with alcohol, please join me. I have, um, twice a month, I have a three a day free. It’s a free challenge. A three-day free challenge where we meet via zoom. Um, and I also have the 30 day reset. You can check everything out@megkdaily.com and I’ll see you soon. Bye-bye.